Author: Jojo
Summary: Post-Abyss and Allegiance fic. Jack deals, in his own way.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Frozen, Abyss, Allegiance
A/N: Thanks to Karen and Melly.
As always, feedback is much appreciated.
His life. So weird.
Waking up from an involved fantasy of a woman he'd never known, he stared at the ceiling and willed his heart to understand that he was *not* in love. Again.
Blondes were his weakness. His heart had always tripped up for blondes, yes, yes, he knew that about himself. But this blonde was not his weakness.
This blonde was someone else's.
God knew where Shalen was now. He hadn't thought to ask. His skin had been itching, his body wanting to turn inside out. Behind his eyeballs, his heated flesh had demanded another trip to the sarcophagus, and the Tok'ra had sent him back when, delirious, he had refused all offers of their help. He didn't want any parasites near him, good or bad.
Jack was proud of the fact that he'd been able to think enough to take her to the Tok'ra first. She'd not understood how he could be Kanan; she wouldn't understand the world Kanan's brief host had come from. And he didn't think he could bring her back to the SGC with him. He didn't want to see Shalen, standing next to Fraiser or Carter, looking delicately out of place beside these women who occupied Jack's real world.
Jack's heart continued to beat fast, his body trembling under the sweat that was cooling.
He wondered what she was doing now. He wondered if he had made the right choice in leaving her with the Tok'ra. He wondered if Carter had ever fantasized about Martouf the way he had about Shalen.
Unhelpfully, Jack winced with distaste as his mind conjured up the appropriate imagery to accompany that last thought.
It was four o'clock in the morning, his digital clock told him. He switched off the alarm with a touch of a button and sat up, pressing his hands down into the mattress and staring at his feet. He wiggled his toes and recalled Ba'al's acid burning holes in his skin.
Right... there.
He stood up and walked briskly into his kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. Then he sat down and watched the news.
Not a lot had happened since midnight, he noted.
Fraiser was quiet this morning, which was a relief. She prodded him, poked him, tested his reflexes and studied his eyes, ears, mouth and throat. Blood tests, urine samples, heart rate; Jack stopped paying attention and started to mentally plan his meals for the day.
"You haven't been sleeping well," Fraiser stated, not looking up from her clipboard. "Bad dreams?"
Long ago he'd given up on marveling at her uncanny ability to know everything. So he just nodded. "Can you give me anything?"
"I could."
He narrowed his eyes. "But?"
"It would be better for you to talk to someone." Jack started to roll his eyes, the word 'doc', drawled out, sarcastic, prepped and ready on his tongue. But she interrupted. "Colonel." Her voice was dangerous. "You need to talk to someone."
Sometimes, sometimes, it was best not to argue. When Fraiser got that look in her eye, it was easier to give in.
She did hold his career in her hands, after all.
"Whoever it is doesn't have to be a professional," she said, slowly, ticking boxes on her clipboard with wide strokes. "A friend. Teal'c. Sam." He noted she didn't mention Jonas. "Someone you trust." Ah, that explained the lack of Jonas. "If that doesn't work, I can give you something to help you sleep."
"Am I fit for 'gate travel?"
Fraiser paused minutely, then ticked another box. This time her eyes slid up to him. "You promise to talk to someone?"
He held up his hand like a Boy Scout. Or a Trekkie. One of those. "I promise."
"I will tell the General you are fit for gate travel. I don't think you sleep off-world, anyway."
True.
"Can I go?" He'd spent enough time in the infirmary recovering; he didn't want to hang around any longer than necessary.
"You're free to go. You know," she continued, slowing him as he slid off the bed, "Sam... she experienced exactly what you're going through, Colonel."
"Carter's symbiote died inside of her," he corrected, not realizing until too late that his hand had mysteriously drifted up to touch the back of his neck.
"You both carry the memories of them."
'Them'. Snakes. Goa'ulds. Tok'ras. Parasites. If he thought about it too heavily, he would find himself gagging.
"I'll think about it."
She knew he wouldn't.
He kinda talked to Jacob. Sitting on some rock, watching the Jaffa kick each other's asses. He liked Jacob. Sometimes he could be an arrogant sonofabitch, but then so could Jack. They had that in common.
He forgot, sometimes, that Jacob was Carter's dad. It was better to forget things like that when you were in hostile situations.
Before Jacob left the Alpha site, he surprised the both of them, and probably Carter, too, by embracing Jack. "I'm sorry," he muttered grudgingly. "Sel'mak, too."
Jack couldn't think of a thing to say and he looked on with Teal'c while Jake said his goodbyes to his daughter.
Then he avoided the both of them for the rest of the day.
"You look tired," Fraiser said, knowingly, when she gave him his post-mission check-up.
"I talked to someone," Jack said defensively.
"Did you?"
He nodded and Fraiser looked him in the eye for a long time.
"Fine," she said. But he didn't miss the disappointment in her tone. What the hell did she want from him, anyway? he thought in irritation as he left the infirmary. He'd done the best he could.
He slammed into his office and kicked his filing cabinet enough to hurt but not enough to damage. Jack was good at damage control.
The seat of his desk chair was warm and it took him a moment to realize that something was out of place. A post-it was stuck to the monitor of his computer and he pulled it off.
Carter's handwriting. I'm sorry.
Sorry?
He held the post-it for a while, his thumb smudging the ink she'd used. Then he carefully slid it into his bottom drawer, under a stack of those interoffice mail envelopes, knowing he'd probably forget about it after a while.
He reached for the top folder in his in-tray, where his paperwork was getting out of hand.
He hated it when things got out of hand.